Incapacity

I have discovered that I do not handle being incapacitated well. You would think I would be quite good at it considering I had back problems for years. But I have gotten used to "living normally" and being relatively pain free. In my defence I will say it is not just being incapacitated that bothers me, it is the addition of the medication and the psychotherapeutic exercises.

I have now been officially "off" work for five weeks. It is beginning to look like it may be another five weeks before I can be declared back to "normal." So okay, the pain and the inability to walk more than ten feet with out hurting is irritating. But the pain is tiring and unrelenting. This combined with the medication makes me so tired I keep having to have naps. I'm starting to feel like a three year old who cannot go all day without his afternoon nap. Okay Mikie time for your nap, we don't want you getting overtired and grumpy now do we.

I'm also having to control the urge to panic. Yes, you heard right, panic. I had back pain for years (I believe I've mentioned this before), I had learned to live "normally" with the pain via a cocktail of drugs (all legally prescribed) that helped give the illusion that I could do anything I wanted to. I then had the operation that really allowed me to live normally. I haven't had anything go wrong with my back except for the occasional muscle pain from over-exertion. The initial prognosis is I have nerve damage. I knew that already. I lived with the symptoms for years. I really do not want to go back to the "long term" pain and drugs lifestyle again.

Then we have the hated physiotherapy. I say hated because I had begun to loathe the whole concept before the operation. I had done these "stupid" exercises for years with no sign of improvement to show for it. Yes I know that they really did help in the long-run. They helped me keep flexible and built the muscles up that, through pain, I had let get sloppy. It's just that all physiotherapy has one thing in common...it hurts. It hurts while you are doing the exercises and it hurts afterword. I know it helps, I just don't like it.

I haven't gotten depressed though. I also do not feel sorry for myself. I realise that there are folks out there who have illnesses and maladies so much worse than mine. So I do not complain.

I do grumble.

But grumbling is allowed and necessary, I think. So while I might recognize that I am not good at dealing with incapacity, I will not complain.

I also have to say a big thank you to Dolan Mayorga for giving me a gentle nudge to start blogging again. So, "Thanks mate!"